Here I Am.

Hi, It’s me. If you’re a regular reader you may have been wondering  what happened to those weekly blogs I’d vowed to publish. Well the thing is I’ve been a bit crook. My urge to write disappeared. Over the last month or so I’ve been finding hard to focus my attention on anything. My minds been racing. Thoughts, old ghosts, self-doubt have been surging through my head like a train through a tunnel. The thing that’s really knocked me on my bum is the fact that I’d convinced myself I was cured. I told myself that I was working more, riding my bike more, keeping the kitchen cleaner because I had a new zest for life. But the truth is I was trying to get my body to keep pace with my mind and in doing so I ran out of steam. I remember posting during mental health week and  feeling so confident about my capacity to cope with the black dog, but just at the minute he’s out of the yard and chasing me up and down the street.

I  was talking to a friend the other day and he commented that my little blogs always seem to end on a positive note. When I thought about it I realised that maybe there were a couple of reasons why I feel the need to  tie up the loose ends. Firstly, perhaps in the past I went to one to many sermons where the vicar would sum up the meaning of life in a fifteen minute spiel. And secondly and more importantly life and all its half-finished stories, it’s twists and turns still frighten the shit out of me. I struggle a lot to find myself and when I’m a bit crook, I loose the struggle. At 56 I feel almost ashamed to admit I don’t know myself. For years I’ve looked for a sense of wholeness in lots of places. I’ve knelt down in churches and tried to pray . Gone on and still go on manic shopping sprees convincing myself that if I just buy that new phone I’ll feel better. I’ve looked for me in the past. Looked for me in other people’s versions of life. I’ve imagined, daydream, fantasized about how one of these days I’ll do something worthwhile. And in all those bullshit mind trips have come to realise if I don’t learn to like me as I am, I risk being lost forever.

My wife Caz, has been trying to get me to slow down for a couple of months. Ever so gently she’s been trying to tell me, ‘ I think you’re you’re getting unwell love.’ To my shame now each time I’ve responded with anger and denial. ‘ I  know what I’m doing.. I don’t need you to tell me what’s happening to me.. I’m not sick I’m just angry and busy. ‘ But the other night when things  caught up with me it was Caz that held me while I pleaded for my mind  to just let me rest for a while. I’m lucky to have her . Lucky to be loved.

So now I’m waiting for an appointment at the clinic in Sunshine.  There gonna review my medication and hopefully get the old chemicals back into balance. For my part I’m doing my best to slow down. We’ve cut back on the junk mail runs. I’m reading a book on building self-esteem and . I’ve signed up for a mindfulness class. And I’m hoping to make peace with myself.

Thanks for listening. Much Love, Baz.

12 thoughts on “Here I Am.

  1. Baz, My heart and soul are with you and Caz at this time. I know how clever the Black Dog can be at sniffing people out but I also know that using your supports and mustering up strength can keep it at bay. Being aware of its presence and taking action is often the hardest part. Remember that a step backwards does not counteract all that you have achieved – its just an obstacle in your ramble. I am there for you if you think there is anything I can provide.

  2. Hi Barry, good to see you back in the blogosphere. Thanks for your courage in sharing this. Managing a chronic condition is fraught because we often get sucked into thinking it’s all under control before it bites. You have honesty, willingness and a great cheer squad on your side. It’s a good place to start. Cheers Lucia

  3. Hey Baz,
    I can surely relate to your ups and downs. I think the life of creative types can be something of a rollercoaster ride! To have some insight into oneself is a great gift and the creative process certainly provides for this. I think sometimes we get a glimpse of ourselves through the insights of others. Life is certainly a mystery in many ways and tends to throw a lot of curve balls my way. ‘In the best of all possible worlds’ maybe this is how life keeps us on our toes…
    Much Love,
    David

  4. Hi Barry, it is good to see you back again. I love reading your blog, and I am sorry you have been going through a rough patch. You are a wonderful writer and we have missed your honesty and wisdom. Keep on keeping on my friend.

  5. Hi Barry I too love reading your blog because of its authentic nature – honesty that spills out of your words and sentences into my own life; making me reflect and think about how I live my own life. You are missed when you’re not blogging and sharing your amazing life with us all :) Hope to see you at Rupertswood soon.

  6. Hi Barry,
    Thinking of you while you’re in dog-catcher mode. Jane is right, your great personal successes stand even when things are rough. If it’s good to get back to writing, I know we’ll be waiting to read. Very best wishes for equilibrium and a steady pace. Xm

    • Dear Margret, Thanks so much for the encouragement. I’ll strive for that, ‘ Steady pace,’ thanks for those two words and the wisdom that goes with them Great to hear from you, much love, Baz.

  7. Hi Baz, Sorry to hear things haven’t been too good for you, but hang in there, you have a lot of support and you are strong. It’s just another hiccup on the road of life. Thinking of you. Janet

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